whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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