my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
