come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
