i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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