Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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