Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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