whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
