make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Randomize
