If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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