I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
