Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Pants are for mortals
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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