But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
