Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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