something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize