he wants to bone in the snuggie
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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