I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
