Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
