how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
