My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
