K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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