You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
