One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
3 2 1 whiskey
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
