I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
