I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize