I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
