Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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