Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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