wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This beer is not sobering me up at all
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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