you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
