You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
