who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
