I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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