If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
How's work?
Spinning.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
