I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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