woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
