my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
