Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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