it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
