i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
