We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
