phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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