So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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