apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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