Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
