We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
