I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
