I want to have your abortion
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
