I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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