Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
