As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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