The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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