I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
