I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
