My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
