If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
