wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
