I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
