I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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